The Job...

For those of you who have had the SAHM job, you might know what I am talking about. To be so defined by your position, replacing your identity, almost losing your self, is really unimaginable in any other form of "work". You are immediately identified by both strangers and friends as a "Mom", many, in fact, stop referring to you by your given name - replacing it with the ubiquitous "Mom". There is no hiding the signs of SAH Motherhood; loose comfortable (say sloppy) food-stained clothing, children always nearby or in many cases attached at the hip, tissues and cheerios in your jeans and coat pockets, the briefcase or laptop replaced with the "black hole" pocketbook with various small toys and books sunk at the bottom, the "trying always to be cheery and patient" persona, the sometimes glazed look after many sleepless nights of gas and teething pains and various other childhood ailments, the exceptional ability to create a (somewhat) balanced lunch for babies and toddlers, when there is nothing in the fridge, these are some of the signs of a SAHM.

Many mothers of earlier generations don't understand the unrest and frustration that many SAH Moms feel today. Most were brought up believing that their worth would be judged by how well they raised their families, that was the standard by which women were judged. Two-income families were rarer back then, generally a phenomenon of the lower class. The suburban explosion created a perfect niche for families with kids, large neighborhoods with many children of similar ages where Moms could congregate with other "like-Moms" of similar socio-economic status and interests, while Dads commuted to work mostly on a standard 9-5. They held their coffee-clatches, played Mah-Jong, or Bridge for social enrichment, sold Tupperware or drove a bus as their kids got older for a little extra cash, performed civic duties for advancement in the eyes of the community. Living the life they had dreamed of, or at the very least were expected to live.

Then came the feminist revolution, and a whole new generation of girls were raised to believe that not only could they be mothers and caregivers, but doctors, lawyers, astronauts - the sky was the limit. Girls were encouraged to go to college, start careers, be successful in business and at home. Eventually we hit our 30's and realized we needed to put our dreams of careers on hold and start our families if we were going to have them. The first baby arrived and the excitement was wonderful, some of us were able to leave our careers behind, replacing the email, day planners and meetings with round the clock breastfeeding and baby books. We were lucky to be able to stay at home and take care of our kids, raising them according to a whole new set of rules - attachment parenting. The baby books encouraged us to put aside the household chores, spending as much time with our growing infants as possible. Don't put your babies in playpens while you do the housework, the housework can wait, your baby will thrive best on your doting affection. Let the laundry pile up, your kids are more important. Get your "attachment-parenting" husband to help with the household chores - the feminist revolution freed them from traditional roles too! Don't use walkers, not only are they dangerous, but floor playtime with your child is better for them, they need to be able to explore their surroundings. Parenting is a round-the-clock affair, sleeping with your kids is good for them. Feeding time is a time for exploration and learning, self-feeding is to be encouraged, it is not the time for a child to sit with his hands held by his mother while she busily shovels food into his mouth with a spoon to keep down the mess. If they must watch television it is best if you watch along with them. And while we firmly believe all these ideas are correct, outside influences and societal values eventually start to creep in...

Older generations frown on many of the new ideas, co-sleeping (while actually an old idea practiced throughout the world for thousands of years) is simply not accepted in American culture. I am pretty sure that my mother thinks that my allowing my children to self-feed is disgusting. And of course getting the husband to help with the household chores is easier in theory than in practice. But these are problems and criticisms I can deal with. The real problem arises when after the new glow of parenthood has worn off, and you find that motherhood really consists of trying to balance "quality" time with your kids with picking up mess after mess after mess, emptying the dishwasher at least daily, trudging through the piles of laundry, and organizing playgroups with Moms whose most interesting topic of conversation is what type of "kiddy sunblock" is best, or where to get the cheapest canned fruit . My conversations used to be about big ideas, politics and world events, now each day has become a monotonous blend of feeding, cleaning up from feeding, changing diapers, feeding again, napping, feeding again, cleaning up from feeding all while trying to fit enough housework to stop your husband from giving you those oh-so-subtle digs about how trashed the house looks, and how unsatisfying the meals are when he gets home at night (or in my case after you pick him up from work).

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids and am thrilled to have been able to spend the last three years with them. They are bright, loving, articulate and well adjusted children - and everyone I meet loves them (almost as much as we do). I have enjoyed being able to breastfeed them "on demand" for pretty much as long as they have required it. More importantly they DESERVE the attention that I have lavished on them over the past three years. Thomas, especially, is proof that while it may not work any better than Dr. Spock's ideas, attachment parenting DOES work in creating a secure, independent, outgoing, happy, friendly child. He has not become the "Mama's Boy" that many of my in-laws accused him of being as a baby, not understanding that all babies are securely attached to their mothers as an instinctual defense mechanism, or perhaps understanding it but disappointed or maybe even jealous that his trust lied with me and not them, a problem I am sure I will have with Ethan as well now that he is going through his period of separation anxiety. Now, whether it can work to eliminate some of the problems that have plagued me over my life, problems that many attachment parenting experts suggest could be related to child rearing techniques of the last generation, procrastination and fear of failure (which contributes mightily to the previous), still remains to be seen. It will be an interesting ride.

But, back to the subject - with the complete support (at least on the surface) AND much to the chagrin of my in-laws (with the notable exception of Elaine) we are moving back to the East Coast, to Delaware, where I intend to abandon my children, force my husband to leave his lucrative but going-nowhere job (and we know that in the Filipino culture - lucrative is all that matters) to indulge my selfish desire to become a Doctor - now of course off the subject again a bit, but if I were going to Med School and not getting my PhD in the esoteric field of Marine Policy would I then have the support of my in-laws or is it just an age thing?? While it may seem like a completely selfish move on my part, and I will admit I NEED this to happen - it is really best for the whole family. It comes back to the old question of what is a woman's role in life, society and the home - can I be satisfied, will I be satisfied, should I be satisfied by staying at home and raising my children - No, No and No...

"She could give up her ____ and stay home with ___. Was it so terrible, staying home to raise a child like a conventional mother?...With so much in her life she didn't need the added burden of ___ did she? Could she stay home and be a wife and mother? How long would she be content with that? Forever. But even as her heart spoke the word, her mind recognized the lie. There was room in her for other passions." (from the Firebrand by Susan Wiggs)

Room for other passions - that pretty much sums it up for me - while my children are perhaps my greatest passion - there is room for much more - and it certainly won't be satisfied by me blogging away my frustrations, attending playgroups or running the local civic organization. Having been raised and encouraged to pursue my dreams (at the age of 7 I wanted to be the President, and I was never told I couldn't be), I cannot suddenly put aside all my dreams to conform to some idealized vision of what a mother should be. I am hoping (and frankly expecting) that the fulfillment that I will get from achieving my dreams will be as much of a positive influence on my children's lives, in terms of their psychological well-being as well as their fiscal solvency, as it will be on mine.